I Seem To Have Misplaced My Values
Original Publication Date: 2018–05–17
Over the last couple of months, a number of key thoughts and emotions that made me ME have started to change. Values and opinions I once thought were stable have begun to unravel, and it’s scary and disorientating. I’m grounded no longer; once again, I’m unsure about my place in the world.
The first Big Change is that I now think of myself as bisexual. I don’t find the theoretical idea of sleeping with a man to be intrinsically disgusting anymore. Now I can see a relationship with a man potentially being good for me. While I’m still not really attracted to dudes physically, it feels like it’ll inevitably happen at some point.
It’s weird. Before I started hormones I was really strongly hoping that this wouldn’t happen. I didn’t want to have to go through the hassle of dating men while being a trans woman. I thought it would be both humiliating and physically dangerous. Dating women seemed like it would be much easier. But now that my sexuality has actually changed, I’m not all that worried about it. It seems like something I have the capacity to figure out; a challenge I’ll be able to deal with.
(Note: The pansexual label probably does describe me better than the bisexual label, but I don’t really identify with the concept of being pan at the moment. I don’t feel like a pansexual, but I feel like a bisexual, even though I meet the technical criteria for both)
Secondly, my brain now really wants me to believe in God. Over the last couple of months I’ve effectively developed a “God-shaped hole.” It hurts to admit this, but I want the moral certainty of religious people. I want a God who loves me unconditionally. I want a community of people who agree with me about everything that’s important.
It’s both exciting and horrifying, but I can feasibly see myself becoming a theist in the future. So far, I’ve managed to retain my deeply held intellectual belief that a God of Unconditional Love is really really REALLY implausible. But I don’t know if that’s something I’ll be able to hold onto forever.
It sucks, because this is a really important part of my old self I wanted to keep. I don’t want to be a religious person if I don’t have to be, but I’m afraid I might not even have a choice.
Thirdly, I’m suddenly emotionally open to the idea Economics might not be my One True Calling. While I’ve never been super attached to the field, it has been my preferred career path for a long time. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time and money considering alternatives, before ultimately deciding Econ was still the best fit for me. But now I’m not so sure. I don’t have any additional evidence; rather, I just have a strong feeling my days in Economics are coming to an end.
Given I’m about to start planning my Master’s Thesis (which I’ll begin in earnest next year), that’s somewhat worrying. But I feel like things will work out, somehow.
I wish I could feel the same way about religion and God Stuff. I can’t help but feel like I’m headed for some sort of emotional crisis on that front. But I’m not sure if there’s anything meaningful I can actually do about it.
(EDIT 20/7/18: Since writing this I’ve spoken with a few friends about spirituality and religion and after hearing them talk about their own experiences I feel a lot less helpless. Thanks friends! :)❤)